You are in for a treat today, I am going to review one of the worst films of all time. This thing is epically bad. It’s so bad I am going to have to do it in several parts because I can’t sit through the whole thing in one sitting lol. What do you need to know about Troll 2? For starters, there are zero trolls in the movie. You may be asking, “Why is it called Troll 2 then?!” Well, it goes something like this….There was a movie out called Troll and the makers of Troll 2 were hoping some people might think this movie is a sequel and watch it. Yup, that’s the story.
As I mentioned, there are no trolls in this
movie, it’s actually about Goblins. These goblins are always trying to
trick people into eating this weird green goop that turns them into
half human, half plant beings that the goblins love to eat. Yeah, that
really is the plot of the movie. Next we meet a family, I don’t even
know their names and it really doesn’t matter. They are apparently
going to some random country town for a month and swapping homes with
some family from that town. How did they work all of this out? Who
knows, it’s never explained.
This kid is sitting in his bed while his
grandpa reads him a story about goblins and warns him that they are real
and they want to eat people. As it turns out, the kid is crazy or
seeing ghosts or something because his grandpa is actually dead and no
one can see him but the kid. His mom walks into the room and over
explains everything just to make sure the audience knows what’s going
on. She says something like “Now Joshua, you know you live in this
house with your father, your sister, and me, your mother. Your grandpa,
my dad, is dead”. Obviously the kid knows who he lives with and
apparently the script writer thought it would be much too complicated
for the audience to simply see the family in the house and figure things
out, he had to actually write it all out so we know for sure.
We cut to a scene of the sister in the
movie, she is just bench pressing in her room for fun while listening to
music on her headphones. We find out that the family is vacationing in
a town called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards). Then we cut back to
the girl about 10 minutes later and she is still benching pressing the
same bar! Apparently this chick has super endurance or it weighs about
2lbs because she hasn’t taken a break. Her boyfriend decides it’s a
good idea to climb a ladder and sneak into her room without her knowing,
causing her to scream….and somehow no one in the house hears this.
Next, she randomly knees him in the balls
for no reason and instantly becomes romantic after that. She is bipolar
I guess?! Now we get some weird conversation with them where she
explains how her family hates him because he hangs out with his friends
all of the time. How do they know his friends and why don’t they like
them? Who knows. Immediately after explaining how her parents don’t
like her boyfriend and can’t know he is in the house, she says he can
come on vacation with them. I guess her family got over not liking him
in those 2 seconds. The only condition is he has to promise not to
bring his buddies along, which he agrees too.
The very next scene is everyone traveling
to Nilbog and this boyfriend somehow got an RV that is loaded up with
all of his friends! lol, I guess the girls parents were right, these
guys have a weird relationship with each other and apparently have to be
around each other all of the time. Alright, that is all for now but
this masterpiece will continue.
